All posts by Integrity Financial Services Group

Reader Beware

I am innately an open book kind of person. I share…because sharing is caring.

I mean, I am joking, sort of but not really. I do truly feel that if I am going through something or experienced something, there is a high likelihood that someone else did as well. And sharing my own experience, good or bad, it is more likely to help me by finding a like soul that can commiserate and help others not feel alone in their own experience.

With that said, while I have kept this…forum, fairly anonymous, I have also been very careful about sharing anything that involves others in my life, just in case. But writing has always been my outlet. I can pour everything out, work through it and not feel too exposed all at the same time. Balancing my desire to share and heal and the need to protect others has been difficult for me and has resulted in my not posting as regularly as I would like.

I have not worked out a solution just yet but I will “carefully” share where I am at today and hopefully be able to move forward with a bit more openness.

Update of where I am at today

My husband (of 13 years) and I have separated as of this past June. It was my decision, not his, and as a result he chose some retaliatory behavior that has made reconciliation a tad more complicated. That is not to suggest in anyway that our separation was due to him or any actions or behaviors on his part. It was the result of years and years of bad communication and a lack of effort on both of our parts.

I am dedicated to working on my relationship with him, as is he, and I have the utmost faith in our ability to work this out and come back together as a stronger couple. It just may not be as clean of a process as I had hoped for.

With that said, I have good days and bad days. I have days where I feel I am processing everything very well and have a handle on things. And I have days where I eat a bag of Doritos and cry into a few bottles of beer…or a case.

Reader Beware

SO – Self Abuse may now contain posts about my attempts to lose the 25 extra pounds I have put on or it may not. Attempts at Survival may contain posts about the fun of rebuilding a marriage or it may not. I don’t know. Here is what I do know, I will be doing both of those things and they will absolutely result in some failures and some successes and one way or another you will benefit from my result by way of my posts and videos.

So, Congratulations!

I look forward to your comments 🙂

What is my normal 

It is 7:30 at night and I am sitting here writing to you will my kids eat a TV dinner. 

This is the first time in their lives they’ve ever had a microwavable dinner and I now feel like I have sacrificed them at the altar of some horrible future I am creating. 

The amount of guilt I have over one stupid dinner is amazing. I know it is stupid. I know it is just one solidarity day, one solitary dinner. But I still feel awful. 

They, however, think it’s the coolest thing in the world

My undoing

After 18 years, 13 of those in marriage, I have choosen to move out.

I am sure I will, or possible have, discussed some of the reasons as to why but right now I am not into trying to place blame. I am just trying to be happy. I want my husband to find happiness and I want my kids to live happiness. I am doing what I feel I need to do to make that happen.

Today is day 8. Today was rough. I thought I was finding a groove. I woke up today feeling like I was doing better. Feeling like I was handling life on my own well. I still think I am but today was rough.

It seems that it is all the collective grouping of small things that do me in. Give me a big thing. Give me an actual crisis and Momma is good. I will take care of some business and do it all without shedding a single tear. But group up a handful of small wrenches and throw them at me…Well…I tend to unravel a bit.

Today, I unraveled. I just needed a break today. A break from lives little wrenches. But instead life decided to hand me a broken AC compressor in my car during and Arizona heat wave (118 degrees today according to the news, 122 according to my car. Believe who you want.) With 2 kids in tow, it isn’t as easy as it would have been if it was just me. Just me? Fine, roll down the windows and suck it up until Monday. But I got 2 boys who have birthday parties to go to. Places they want to go.

2016 Goals

A new year brings new goals. I always find one word to represent my goals for the year. A single word that will help remind me of my goals and direction. My 2016 Goals are…. (drum roll please)

BE

  • Be a business owner
  • Be more organized
  • Be fit
  • Be Happy

We all know our goals need to be measurable and have a dead line. I will go into each of these goals in more detail in a separate post but below is how my success will be measured on December 31, 2017.

Be a business owner

  1. I will have name, pricing and website established for my new business
  2. I will have at least 6 clients
  3. I will be working full time for my new business

Be Organized

  1. I will create and use lists daily
  2. I will hold myself accountable to my list by not ending my day until my list is complete and tomorrows list is made
  3. I will have a tidy home and workspace

Be Fit

  1. I will weight 105 (oh geez, I can’t believe I just told you that)
  2. I will feel and look more toned and energized
  3. I will have a workout routine

Be Happy

  1. I will yell less. (I may need divine intervention on this one)
  2. I will smile more
  3. I will be more appreciative

****As I write each goals description and list I will link it back here ***

I will BE in 2016. I will be a closer version of the me I want to be. What will you do with your new year?